You know you are old if:

You know you are old if:

Your hair is growing in your ears and not on your head

Every artist you listen to is dead

The last movie you saw was “African Queen.”

Old ladies open the door for you.

Your socks don’t always match

You have a record collection

Your first new car cost $1,750 and your new 13” color TV cost $550.

You have to think about how to get up from the couch

You keep saying that the dog farted

Your son just retired

You can recognize the songs being played in department stores

You sign along to the songs in the elevator

You sleeep in your bathrobe

Your other half keeps introducing you as “the older black guy”

You were going on a Walk for Alzheimer’s but forgot where it was

You start calling your dog “dog”

You think Catfish Hunter is someone who lived in the Okefenokee swamp

You start liking brussels sprouts

You keep asking your other half to call you so you can find your phone

You put ranch dressing in your coffee and cream over your salad and couldn’t tell the difference.

You went to buy new corduroy trousers this winter and the clerks had no clue what you were talking about

Your eyebrows have dandruff

You have to tie a belt to the end of the bed to pull you up in the morning

You have started driving faster so you won’t forget where you were going

Your son is a grandfather

All your living heroes are dead

The president is younger than you

Your doctor hadn’t heard of the Supremes

Naps are now called senility snoozes

You thought Taylor Swift was a fast seamstress

Your car keys keep hiding from you

You need to add on to the bathroom sink to hold your prescriptions

You need to set off the alarm to find your car at the mall

The twinkle in her eye is from the reflection of the sun

They start putting one candle on your birthday cake because of the fire hazard

You think “atrophy” is what you won playing tennis

When they say “smoking hot body” you think of cremation

Farting is a walking aid

Your children are middle aged

All of your favorite TV shows are reruns

People come to visit and admire your antique furniture

The smoke alarm goes off when they light the candles on your birthday cake

I stopped my other half from cooking. She must have thought I was a god when she kept placing burnt offerings before me

Your love tattoo looks like a turnip

The smoke alarm battery needs changing and you go around your house spraying for crickets

You have been there and done that but can’t remember what that was

You enjoy Mondays

People say you are aging gracefully and they mean you are slowly looking worse

When Mao said that the longest journey begins with a single step I don’t think he meant going to the bathroom

Milk used to be delivered to your front door

You mother used to buy her chickens at live kill shops

Someone told me “Have a good weekend.” I thought it was Tuesday.

Your grandparents had an outhouse (with Sears Roebuck catalogs and corn cobs)

You remember when Joe Biden had hair plugs

When asked “How are you” you have to think before answering.

One great thing about having a partner your age is that she thinks you still look good

You remember when 17” was a big screen TV

You always take a nap after lunch

You remember when a refrigerator was called an ice box

You think a photographic memory means you can remember every photograph you have ever seen

The commercials on the TV shows you watch are mostly for EDs or hair loss

You remember when girl’s basketball was half court

When you get lost you can be found by a trail of used Kleenex.

You gave up golf because you could never remember where you hit the ball

Holes in the knees of your jeans used to mean you were poor

A night out means sitting on the front porch 

You need to remember things like “76 Trombones” or else you will forget your age

You remember when a gallon of gasoline cost 99 cents

You go looking for something and halfway there forget what you were looking for

You can remember the name of your first grade teacher but not that of your next door neighbor

One of your favorite singers last released a song 20 years ago

You have outlived your life expectancy

You suffer from CRS but can’t remember what that stands for 

Your parents’ grandparents were all slaves