HB’s Axioms of the Hunt

I love to hunt deer and turkey. Having spent significant time growing up on my mother’s family farm, I loved walking through the woods with my grandfather hunting small game with my 22. There were no turkey in Georgia during those days and precious few deer. We hunted squirrels, racoons and rabbits. He would have loved to hunt bigger game but got his meat from the animals he grew and slaughtered. He and my grandmother grew cr9ps, made their own soap, churned butter and were essentially self-sufficient. My mother talked about lean days growing up but she said that they never complained and remembers being happy with what little she had. The farm now belongs to me. It is fully of good memories and I get no greater satisfaction than being on my ancestors’ land.

1. The wind will always be at your back (this is different from running where the wind is always in your face).

2. If by some miracle the wind is in your face and you suddenly hear a deer, the wind will shift to your back.

3. Murphy says that “if it can go wrong, it will”. Harold Black says “Murphy was an optimist.”

4. Deer will always pick the least assessable place to die.

5. If your gun (or bow) breaks, your 42 blade leatherman’s tool will not have a tool that fixes it.

6. When you take it go get it fixed, the repairman will say “In my 30 years I have never seen this happen.”

7. In bow season the deer will be in muzzleloader range. In muzzleloader season the deer will be in gun range. In gun season, the deer will be nowhere to be found.

8. If you can shoot a doe you will only see does with fawns.

9. If you can only shoot a buck, you will be overrun with does.

10. Deer calls never work. The best way to call a deer call is to take a leak.

11. Anyone who claims to have success grunting and rattling is lying.

12. If you see the buck of a lifetime walking down a path, you will only have a lefthanded shot (if you are righthanded you will only have a lefthanded shot).

13. If you see the buck of a lifetime when you are muzzleloading, the gun will misfire.

14. If you see the buck of a lifetime and you are bow hunting, the arrow will fall off the rest when you draw.

15. If you see the buck of a lifetime and you are gun hunting, you will sneeze.

16. If you hunt a road where deer always cross, they will only cross when you are looking in the other direction.

17. If the outfitter has a success rate of 100%, it will be lower when you leave.

18. Animals shrink if you shoot them.

19. If you only shoot deer 8 points or better, you will only see six pointers and spikes.

20. Deer only look up if you are in a tree stand.

21. A turkey always struts one foot past the exact distance that number 6 shot can travel.

22. Camo is about as effective as a deer with a sofa painted on its side can hide in your living room.

23. Hunting clothing billed as no-scents makes no sense.

24. Buck lures only to attract hunters to buy them.

25. The only hunters who swear by grunting and rattling for bucks are the ones who sell them.

26. Primos calls if they work at all must only work on Mississippi deer and turkeys.

27. If you decide to leave your stand at noon, the deer will walk by at 12:01.

28. The only purpose of scouting before the season is to find out where the deer were.

29. A person who looks down their nose and sneers “You kill bambi!” isn’t worth knowing.

30. If you go on a hunting trip with a group, expect to be the only one who doesn’t kill anything.

31. If you are hunting your own land without seeing anything all day and suddenly you hear something coming down a path, it will be your dog.

32. No woman is worth your time unless she thinks you look cute in camo.

33. Do you have more success stalking or still hunting? Neither.

34. Is the best time to hunt early, midday or late? None of the above.

35. Deer will always walk down the path you are not hunting.

36. The only camo that works is absence.

37. Anyone who tells you that a deer smells better than a person is obviously European.

38. Anyone who asks you why do you own so many different caliber rifles is obviously stupid because it doesn’t make sense to own ten rifles of the same caliber.

39. Since camo wearers look like trees and grass, I guess this makes them environmentalists.

40. Most muzzleloaders were designed to hangfire only when a big deer shows up.

41. That Al Gore rather than the inventor of the Loggy Bayou climbing stand was awarded a Nobel prize is a travesty.

42. My favorite t-shirt is from Cabela’s and says “Conservation through incompetence.”

43. If God didn’t want you to kill deer he wouldn’t have invented the pickup truck.

44. If God didn’t want you to hunt in the cold rain, he wouldn’t have invented GoreTex.

45. If Al Gore got the Nobel prize for inventing GoreTex, then I guess I am ok with it.

46. Since I have never seen a woman who looks like a Victoria Secret’s model, I presume that all about those women are fakes, the product of many plastic surgeries. Similarly, videos that show bucks called in by grunting and rattling are fake.

47. Those who can smoke in a tree stand and deer will walk by even though the wind is wrong and seem to kill big deer every time are the chosen few of which I am not one.

48. A person who claims not to like venison has never eaten my cooking.

49. Jerky is not a food since it cannot be broken down by saliva and chewing. It must be swallowed whole.

50. That jerky is not a food was proven when after I tried to eat it, I gave it to my dogs – who also refused to eat it.

51. Just like when I fish I only catch small fish (I’m a small fish specialist), I only see immature deer (which I let walk).

52. Anyone who says that if you kill a trophy animal every time you hunt then it would not be fun is a fool.

53. The hunter the outfitter describes as being “the luckiest hunter I have ever seen” will always be a person in camp. That person will not be you.

54. Recurve bowhunters are snobs and are hunting’s equivalents of fly fishermen.

55. The longest week I ever spent in my life was in a camp in Alberta hunting for bear and all the other hunters shot recurves.

56. There are 6 things that every bow hunter must do in order to shoot accurately. When a trophy deer approaches you will do five of them.

57. If you believe that nonsense about buying all that expensive no scents gear so you can “Forget the Wind – Just Hunt”, let someone release your dogs one hour after you go in the woods.

58. Game cameras tell you where to hunt at 2:03 in the morning.

59. The one hour before sunup is the longest time of the hunt – much longer than the 8 hours or so that follow.

60. Nothing is more satisfying than being able to furnish your own food.

61. I kill animals. I wear fur. I am not the least bit apologetic about being at the top of the food chain.

62. If spending days in the woods in camp with your dogs away from cell service, the internet and tv, hunting by day, smoking cigars and listening to night sounds is not heaven then what is? 

63. Sure most times you can kill just as many deer sitting at your kitchen table as you usually do in the woods, but coming home even empty handed to your dogs makes it all worthwhile.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: