You know you are old when
- You start calling people “sonny”
- When little old ladies start opening the door for you
- When you are older than the president
- When your children start treating you like their child
- You wish there were new episodes of NYPD Blue and Homicide
- You watch no new TV shows
- Strange women call you “sweetie”
- You bristle at being called your first name by telephone solicitors
- You haven’t heard of a single grammy nominee
- You wonder how all those women with nose rings blow their nose
- You turn off a basketball game because you hate all the tattoos
- You think AI is a steak sauce
- You mention George Armstrong Custer and no one has even heard of him
- All your living heroes are dead
- You have a record player
- Your grandparents’ living room furniture was covered with plastic
- You had a slide rule
- You needed carbon paper
- Your grandmother made you crank the ice cream churn
- There was a clothesline in your backyard
- Your TV had rabbit ears with aluminum foil on it
- Phone books appeared on your doorstep
- You had a camera with film in it
- You still miss your first dog
- You had a typewriter and white out
- You like silence
- You make sympathetic clucking noises
- You had a rolodex
- You still think people should dress up for church
- You start wearing black socks with Bermuda shorts
- You actually know what are Bermuda shorts
- You mix plaids and stripes and are not homeless
- Your son has a grandson
- Your son is retired
- You remember green stamps
- You look for your glasses and they are on top of your head
- You get up, go into the kitchen and wonder why you are there
- You seem to run over every pothole and every curb
- You and your significant other always talk about the gas prices
- You have no room on your bathroom shelf for another prescription bottle
- You remember when you really had to dial a phone
- An album held a record
- Your grandparents called a refrigerator an icebox (your parents called it a Frigidaire)
- Google was the Encyclopaedia Britannica
- You still go to AAA and ask for maps
- When you tell people you went to AAA they think you are an alcoholic
- A memory quiz is part of your annual physical exam
- You had bomb drills at elementary school where you had to get under your desk
- Your desk had inkwells
- Students wore coat and tie to SEC football games
- Fans waved confederate flags at SEC games
- College bands played Dixie
- No black athletes in the SEC
- You have more hair in your ears than on your head
- Your first TV was black and white
- You had a transistor radio
- You miss Motown
- Gladys Knight and the Pips sang at your high school dances
- You listened to baseball games on the radio
- You played outside with your friends
- You got roller skates for Christmas (and a cap pistol)
- You remember that Teddy Pendergrass was the lead singer for Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes (and Jeffrey Osborne with LTD)
- Your university had a typing pool
- You remember physical photo albums
- Housewives on TV wore dresses and high heels
- Coeds were not allowed to wear shorts on campus except at gym
- You asked your Dad “what’s a colored restroom?”
- You remember the milkman
- Kids wrote cursive
- You remember muscle cars
- Someone else pumped your gas (and wiped off your windshield)
- Your cellphone was mounted in your car
- You know what 75 and 33 rpm mean
- You mother had a clothes wringer washing machine
- You had to use public pay phones
- You still use your ipod
- When you finally ask for directions you are already there
- You know what an analog clock is
- There was a grease can on the stove
- There were paper boarding passes
- There were no remote controls
- You had to put the key in the ignition
- You went to drive-in movies
- Sears Roebuck had a catalog
- You thought Amazon was a rain forest
- Friends used to just drop in to visit
- You saw Jackie Robinson play at Ebbitts Field
- The Washington baseball team was the Senators
- Houston‘s was the Colt 45s
- Atlanta’s was the Crackers
- Atlanta’s Negro League team was the Black Crackers
- You thought Shaquille was a funny name
- Democrats were racists
- You had a J C Higgins shotgun
- You walked to school
- Only girls wore earrings
- Your weight has shifted from your butt to your stomach
- You are the same age as old people
- You are always introduced as “the first”
- Your grandparents had an outhouse
- You miss your parents
- Your grandparents’ parents were slaves